When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
