I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
