My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
