the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Welp...herpes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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