Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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