Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
