also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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