sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
