respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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