Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
