He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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