I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
