Im at strip club and am horny
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
