Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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