i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
