Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The air was thick with penises
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
