I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
