Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize