we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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