I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
