Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
