Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You can't just leave with hair like that
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
