My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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