Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
being pregnant is like rehab
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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