I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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