I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
