This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
