Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
