At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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