My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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