I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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