Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
