Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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