thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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