The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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