just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
