Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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