What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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