He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
