Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
