So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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