Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
