i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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