eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
