Small penises have feelings too.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
