just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
