Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
