I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
