I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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