Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm too high and old for this...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
