Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
