First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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